I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
