The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They have beer where we have blood.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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