Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
