I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
