You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
