i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You need Xanax blowdarts
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
