At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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