I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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