I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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