I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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