Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
