my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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