I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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