I cannot find my penis.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
