I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize