I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
