I bet he comes in French.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
