Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
