no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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