I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
