PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Randomize
