I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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