Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
