it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
