I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
