Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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