i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
