'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
