He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
