I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
