I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
