then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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