I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
