I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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