Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
