We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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