Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
