Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
