just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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