i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
