is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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