I accidentally had phone sex last night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
