Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
