2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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