Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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