I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize