I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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