dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
