I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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