So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
