I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
