imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
