just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Still dying that you shit outside
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
