hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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