All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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