i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
