just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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