she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We are two peas in an std pod
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
