I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
