Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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