mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
