When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
