My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
