Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize