so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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