good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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