I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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