I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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