True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize