I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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