I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
