Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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