Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
