No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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